Greatest Fear

I don't want to die.

Clearly.

But my greatest fear is not mortal end. I fear worse.

I fear that with my mortal end comes an end of me as an Idea. I fear leaving no meaningful legacy.

I don't want to be forgotten. I don't want to be known for my riches, which shall pass as quickly as body. Riches mean nothing. The achievements of man would just have well have been without riches. The ideas and the ores that bring them to life, the ingenuity of man and the means by which he achieves them--all free of charge, no money liberates them from mind. It's all too easy to think of things in terms of the money they require to use, to buy, to "make real." But the goodness of man and his brilliance--all exist in the absence money: in the absence of what we feel represents the work we've done. Riches mean nothing.

I fear a stagnant mind, nearly as great as that of the end of my Idea. I fear the rotting of my mind. I don't want to be bored. I don't want to be predictable. I don't want to stay in one place. I don't want to be happy with being in one place my whole life. The world is too vast and too varied to think that some passing glance, some vacationer's view, is enough to satisfy my curiosity. I fear only one home.

And no home of the world.

I don't want to die, for fear of hurting those I love. I love them so. I want to live everyday, if only for them. But I don't only live for them.

My friend--who I always thought was cynical, irreverent to the point of embarrassment, ironic for the sake of irony; and sometimes just wrong...just so wrong--once said that when he had children, they would become his life. That he would live for them and find his meaning through them.

Maybe what I'm looking for is not so different. I seek legacy. But not for the advancement of my name through time--not for my name to be held in reverence.

(Though an equation named after me would be cool.)

I seek a meaningful legacy. I seek not only to not be forgotten, but to be remembered for the things that matter.

And maybe I want to be remembered as one who achieved. Not really for the greatness of myself--what human can deny that they want to be acknowledged for their achievements? But also for the greatness of others, and for continued greatness in the future--for the beauty that exists locked in the minds of future man, only restrained by the boring boundaries of our "education."

Maybe that's why I like engineering so much. As the snotty 17 year old graduating high school, full of arrogance, devoid of meaning though thinking I must be full of it--I didn't choose engineering for it's effect on the world. I wanted to make music! And that's still what I want to do, and will always want to do. But I also realized that that ultimately would only serve myself. Sure, argue for the life changing aspects of great music. But what countries and masses have been saved solely by the good grace of music. (Possibly the lives of a few middle class college students with illusions of artistry, and illusions of profundity. Possibly. But) There must be something more.

There must be something more true. And I came to find the truth in numbers--"truth" that must be at least marginally true despite the disturbances of human thought. "True" if only because we can design things that can be used predictably and in the ways we designed them to be used. Sometimes for harm, yes. But many times, for good.

And so maybe my legacy will be there one day. Maybe I'll aid in making the good. Hopefully I'll be remembered for that.

Maybe I seek to be remembered as one who loved. Maybe as the one who made people laugh. Maybe as the one who sought peace amongst those in his sphere of influence (however small). Or as the one who helped.

Maybe I'll be remembered as any number of bad things as well...maybe people think I'm annoying (if you made it this far into the post, hopefully you don't). Maybe someone will think I'm arrogant and stubborn. I won't lie, I know I can be both...I want to say that came from years of being told I should strive to be the best, and being led to believe as a child that I was the best at certain things. I'm not particularly proud of that aspect of myself, but those are things that reveal themselves without my thinking. And maybe I should think in those times.

In either case. To be remembered well in death, and known in life to those that matter. I hope it's no selfish desire. Only one of many primal human desires.