The Big City, The Small Town

[You may need to read the post before this for proper context.]

Make no mistake. I'm evidence of Oxnard. By choice or not (more than likely, not), I am. I can't call it home though...not anymore. Born and raised, born and raised...but that doesn't mean much really...

To grow up in Oxnard is to at once know both want, have, and the strange combination of the two. Much of Oxnard consists of Hispanic farm workers or day laborers who work harder than most people could imagine. Stroll through Colonia or any number of other neighborhoods and you might understand. At the same time, as many farms as Oxnard has, it's very commercialized. Beach communities with expensive houses, 2500+ sq. ft. golf course-side houses (large for Oxnard), on and on. One of the tallest buildings between Los Angeles and San Jose or San Francisco even. Wants and haves.

Maybe--ok, probably fortunately, I've been more towards the "want" camp for much of my childhood, and probably greatly credited to my parents. I always wanted, and rarely ever got, really. Nintendo 64? Believe me, in 5th and 6th grades, I tried hard those Christmases...guess I wasn't nice enough for Santa. Car? Tough luck. The ultimatum from my parents to a 15-year-old me:

"Do you want a car? Or do you want to go to college?"

Um...car? Even now...my sister's car is 15 years old and chugs like a boat...quite entertaining. But my parents are thinking about donating the car and helping my sister with the payments on a new(er) car. That's all well and generous...but maybe they could do that after they've donated the car to me...

Anyways. As I started to realize, other people my age in Oxnard implicitly received this same ultimatum. And many of them seemed to opt for the car. I'm not saying that if you get a car in high school you won't have enough money for college, hell no! No mutual exclusion here. But--the thing about Oxnard is this convergence of wants and haves. Oxnard, for all its luxury beach houses, still isn't an affluent city by any stretch. At least not affluent enough for many people to comfortably afford to buy a car and finance a college education. Some people my age have nicer cars than my parents or my employed, college-graduate sisters. They sure as hell have nicer cell phones, and better cell phone plans. People want, and people get...but they can't get it all. That car ain't gonna drive you out of Oxnard, no it ain't...

As humbling as Oxnard can be, it can also give you the sense that maybe just having that car with spinners and a subwoofer, and having that phone, is enough to give you status and thus enough to give you happiness. Up to this point, really, there doesn't seem to be too much different from anywhere else in the country. And even after what I say later, it still may not be that different, but it's different enough from other places I've seen. The thing about Oxnard is that once you have all that, there's nowhere else to go. It's damn hard to go up. It's hard to go up on a high school education. Hell, it's even hard to go up on a community college education, if you think you need to work full time while studying. What's there to aspire to? A promotion in retail? I've done retail for long enough, and can't fathom that there's anything worth aspiring to there. Is that the dream? That extra dollar an hour? And then there's still the fact that besides the total lack of mobility, there STILL ain't shit to do.

I know everyone dreams. That's no different from anywhere else. But how many years past youth those dreams last, maybe that's something a little special to Oxnard. Oxnard can be a beautiful place, that's for sure. And it can be fun with the right attitude. But making something out of very little wears thin, especially after 19 years. But at the heart of it, something--I'm not sure what--makes stagnation so easy, so attractive.

I can't imagine staying here any longer than I have, and yet people do. I don't need the riches, I don't need the extravagances of an affluent city...I just want a place that gives not just me but everyone space to build their own destiny, and if not build it, at least explore it. Not the commercial establishments that give us all the illusion that we're doing something unique, when in fact we're just following predetermined paths.

I used to think that Oxnard grounded me. I used to think that people in Oxnard are for the most part inherently humble. And while that's not entirely false, I've started to find flaws in that idea. This wouldn't be nearly as frustrating if it weren't for the fact that it doesn't have to be this way. Oxnard's no small town without resources and connections. It's not so big that everyone wants to isolate themselves from the other. I think the potential is there for anyone in Oxnard to become humble, yet confident. To be ambitious. But it's a choice. Car or college? Doughnuts or waffle fries? Spinners or strawberries?


Oxnard is the big city. Oxnard is the small farm town.